Monday, August 11, 2008

On Life Not Turning Out As Planned

Has your life turned out as planned? Are you doing all the things you imagined you'd do? Have you traveled the world, given birth to the most intelligent and beautiful children, are you living in a five-bedroom house with a pool and a tennis court? Did you marry the football player hunk? Are you a gazillionaire and sharing the wealth? Are you as HAPPY as you thought you'd be?

The Pioneer Woman posed this question on her website: "How does your life compare to the plans, dreams, and expectations you had ten, twenty years ago?" The responses have made for fascinating reading, and have caused me to ponder just what the heck happened to MY life. It sure didn't turn out as planned.

When I was a kid, I always thought that I would get married and have three or four kids that would love me and be affectionate - totally NOT the way I grew up. I mean, I knew my parents loved me, but showing it was another story. Anyway, my kids would have been brilliant, outgoing, athletic, funny - a lot of the things I am not. I would be married to a successful man who took good care of me, met my every whim, gave me the opportunity to grow and develop myself. He would be gorgeous and have rock-hard abs. I would be a size six princess with long strawberry blonde hair. My Polish nose would have been "fixed" a long time ago.

Funny how real life is never what you expect. Dreams die, or change. You realize the perfection you chased is never going to materialize.

Maybe you just grow up. Maybe you were deluding yourself all along.

I sure didn't picture myself unemployed at age 45, childless, mortgaged to the hilt, bankrupt, married to a man that I love, but who can't support me, always having to work so hard for everything... If I had foreseen THIS future, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago.

So, life is a struggle. One thing after another. There is no bed of roses for me to lie on, no smart and beautiful children to take care of me in my old age, no nice nest egg in the bank.

Maybe I am just freaking out because I am off the Zoloft and can really FEEL things again. I was telling a friend earlier that I've just been bawling today because I am finally able to do so. I'm not a fan of this feeling stuff. I kind of liked it when I was zoned out and things didn't bother me and I wasn't worried about the future and what's coming around the bend.

Dang that Pioneer Woman for making me all thinky, freaking out-y and melancholy.

Anyhow, blog reader (all one of you), has YOUR life turned out the way you thought it would? Tell me about it.