Monday, September 22, 2008

How my Really Hard Head saved me from seven years of bad luck

Yesterday I had an accident. An accident in the home, where apparently MOST accidents actually happen. Actually, I had THREE accidents yesterday in the home. It's a strange and weird thing that so many accidents happen at home, but home is where there are a lot of dangerous things, like forks and ice cubes and heavy mirrors from The Bombay Company.

So yesterday was not the best day for me, in terms of hanging out at home and being safe. In fact, I probably would have had a much better time if I had gone swimming with sharks, laid on a bed of nails, ran with the bulls in Pamplona or was played with the big boys in the Cowboys game.

Weird accident #1: So I am vacuuming the floor as company is supposed to be coming over for a breakfast date, when I step on a fork that is STICKING UP FROM UNDER MY FLOOR RUG. What the???? Come to find out that it was my husband's fork from his little snack the night before that he had "given to the dog to clean so I don't have to wash it before I put it in the dishwasher." While I truly appreciate that, not picking UP the fork after the dog was done, and leaving the fork UNDER the carpet was probably a pretty dumb thing. So I stepped on the fork and the four tines went right into my right heel. And since I couldn't see what I was stepping on, I STEPPED ON IT AGAIN!! Twice. On the same foot. But not in the same place.

So I've got my foot bleeding all over the place in two places. I guess that's what I get for vacuuming barefoot and trusting my husband with kitchen utensils. Gimme a little peroxide and I'll be fine. Lets go have pancakes!

Weird accident #2: Our dogs like ice cubes. They are like the Haagen Daas of dog treats for them, don't ask me why. It's just frozen water to me, but to them, they are little treats from heaven. Anyhoo, I was walking across the hardwoods in the den after giving the dogs an ice cube treat, when I slid on a piece of ice and smashed headlong into the loveseat, twisting my left knee in the process. Again, I was barefoot, but at least my carpets were vacuumed and the floor was swept. So I sat down and decided to check my email. I mean - COME ON - certainly nothing can happen to me while I am SITTING ON THE COUCH, right???

Weird accident #3: So I've got my right heel all nasty with eight little fork holes in it and my left knee is twisted from the stinking ice cube. Email seems so harmless - and actually, the email was. I was just about finished when the dogs come running in chasing each other. Henry, my little gay pyr (bless his heart) jumps up on me as I am setting the laptop on top of the bookshelf. The SAME bookshelf where a large, heavy mirror from The Bombay Company (my former employer - thanks for going out of business and leaving me broke and brokenhearted) is just LEANING against the wall - because it's way stylish that way and I am too lazy to hang it. (Was that a really long run on sentence? Sorry.) So I apparently pushed the laptop back too far and the mirror comes CRASHING down ON TOP OF MY HEAD.

So I sit there for a few seconds - with a scared dog in one arm and a heavy mirror ON TOP OF MY HEAD when I realize - hey - THAT'S BLOOD! So I yell for my husband who is out in the garage doing secret manly things that can only be done secretly by a man in a garage, and he (eventually) comes in to see what I am screaming about.

Bless his heart, he lifts the heavy heavy mirror off my head and says, "Hey, you're bleeding - don't get any of that stuff on the couch! And hey look - the mirror ISN'T EVEN BROKEN! Good thing for you, woman - that's seven years of no sex, or bad luck or somesuch."

While part of me is glad that the mirror isn't damaged, I'm not quite as happy about the state of my head. I grab a towel and wipe up some of the blood that has landed on the Rich Corinthian Leather of our Man Room furniture, and head to the kitchen to see where the heck all this runny stuff is coming from.

My sweet husband has to advise me (from across the room) that it's from a nice two-inch gash on my head. Then he reminds me that other people's blood makes him nauseous. So while I want to cry and scream (my head FREAKING HURTS HERE PEOPLE!!!), I try to remain calm because I don't want my sweet love bug to hork - that's just ONE MORE THING that might send me over the edge.

After about a half an hour, the bleeding sorta stops. Man - heads REALLY bleed! Since I am uninsured, I decide NOT to make the trip to the ER and just buck up. They would probably just Super Glue my head closed anyway.

So I decided that probably the BEST thing for me to do would be to just go to bed. There IS a mirror over the bed, but it's hung pretty well, so I feel semi-safe. So at 7:13 PM on a Sunday evening, I am in bed, my pillows swathed with towels to catch any random bleeding from my head, my left foot in a sock to keep the fork tine holes clean, and my right knee on ice to keep the swelling down.

You know, I am REALLY glad I didn't decide to rewire that table lamp yesterday. It could have been a disaster.


Hello...My name is Kareah... said...

OK, I'm officially exhausted now! Poor you! Hope today is much, much better!

Rini said...

Glad your head is still whole. I whacked my head with some part of my car yesterday and found a ginormous scab and bump this morning. Except by ginormous I mean about pea-sized. You probably have a whole head-sized sore.